


A Very Important Discussion

by Andovia212



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Connie Maheswaran Needs Therapy, Disassociation, Discussion of character death, F/M, Not Really Character Death, One Shot, Post-Episode: s05e13 Your Mother and Mine, Pre-Epsiode: s05e14 The Big Show, Steven Universe Needs Therapy, an almost-panic attack, clear indicators of his mental illnesses, disassociating, steven has an existential crisis, traumatized babies who should not have to be talking about all this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:07:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23865754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andovia212/pseuds/Andovia212
Summary: The news of Lars's death and revival was something for everyone to take in stride, but Steven never expected it would bring up this sort of conversation with his best friend.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Lars Barriga & Steven Universe
Comments: 11
Kudos: 93





	A Very Important Discussion

He knew something was wrong. It wouldn't be obvious to most people, but Steven knew his best friend and (unless he was being incredibly stubbon as he has when he returned to Earth after being kidnapped by Aquamarine) could tell when something was bothering her where most couldn't. It wasn't something he could do easily—it had taken a lot of practice and many times of not noticing when she was hiding something until she exploded over it—but he'd gotten pretty good at it since then. He figured their week or two straight of being Stevonnie had helped him with that more than anything. 

Steven thought back over the day so far while he ate his lunch beside her on the couch. He couldn't pinpoint when it had happened, but she'd gotten more subdued throughout the day and let him do more and more of the talking which meant they'd bounced across more topics than even he could recall. He'd spent the last while trying to decide if he would ask her about it or let her bring it up, though. He didn't want her to just... keep it all in (ignoring the fact he did the same thing—it was different when he did it anyways; he didn't want to worry anyone with his problems but he could handle hers). It made for a quiet meal, but when he was done eating (and noticed she'd barely touched her own food), he decided he didn't want to wait. He'd been without her for weeks just a month ago, and he didn't want anything to cause that ever again. 

"So, uhm... Whatcha thinking about?" Not his best, but it was a start. 

At least it got her attention. "Huh?" Mostly. 

"What are you thinking about? You've barely eaten, and it seems like something's bothering you." He didn't want to call her out, but he didn't want to just let it slide either. If he could help her, he wanted to help. 

Steven watched her flop backwards against the couch and turned himself sideways to face her. Connie hesitated but answered anyways. "Just... I've been worrying about Lars-" He was immediately ready to jump in and comfort her, remind her they'd made sure the ship was running fine once again after he and Garnet made their last trip a few days prior which he'd told her about that morning, but she continued before he could. "And Lion." He paused and gave her a confused look. 

"What about them?" She frowned in a way he really didn't like, but he never enjoyed seeing her upset in any way.

"Well... We don't know how old Lion is, but... unless your mom hid Bismuth's bubble somewhere else before she put her in Lion's mane, he's _really_ old. Even if he's not, though, I've looked it up. The lifespan of a lion is between about ten and fourteen years, and he's at the _very_ least older than that—older than you." He wasn't sure where she was going with this yet, and it must've shown on his face because she kept going. "I don't think he's aged since your mom revived him, Steven... And now Lars..." 

It clicked in his head then... but he really wished it hadn't. "You... don't think Lars will age anymore...?" 

He hated the pained look on her face and wished he could take that pain and concern away and make it his own. But that was the point of talking to her, right? 

"He's like Lion, so it's the only thing that makes sense... Steven, I don't think either of them can die a second time. Not on their own, anyways." Steven completely understood why she was so hesitant to say it. Especially out loud. The words resonated in his ears and his head. It... it made sense. _It made so much sense._ He'd never thought about it before—that Lion could easily be hundreds, _thousands_ of years old—he didn't think about it because he hadn't wanted to. He didn't question it when it came to Lion because, well, he's a lion. But he had to think of it now. He had to think of what might happen to Lars. _What **he** had done to Lars. What had he done to Lars?_

He didn't notice he was crying until he felt Connie wiping his tears away, and it was then that he also noticed he was breathing far too fast. Her words started to register some then. "-ought. All of it's just a thought. Remember what Garnet taught us? Come on—deep breath. We'll talk this out and get through it together." He tried his best to listen to her and let her talk him through it, immediately feeling horrible that _she_ was having to comfort _him_ when this conversation was supposed to be the other way around. So for the sake of getting their conversation back to that format, he followed along with her advice and worked to calm himself down even as the thoughts continued to haunt him. Would Lars never grow up? Technically he was an young adult and probably fully grown, but would he be stuck as a teenager forever because of Steven? Would he... would he never die unless someone or something killed him? 

That wasn't a thought he wanted. That _really_ wasn't a thought he wanted. He didn't like thinking about death in general, and why would he? Most of the people in his life were gems. The only way they could fully die was being shattered (just like how his mom had shatte-), and while there had been times that were closer than comfortable (so so many times they'd been poofed right in front of him and even cracked-), they were strong and could take care of themselves. But humans... Would Lars outlive everyone he'd ever loved? And then some? How long would it take before he started to hate Steven for what he'd done to him? Steven _knew_ he was right to apologize for having brought Lars back without asking first. It was an accident, of course, but that didn't mean there wouldn't be consequences for it. 

Consequences someone else would have to deal with because of his actions. 

Steven shook himself to pay attention again, clutching Connie's hand in his as he breathed deeply and grounded himself like they'd done multiple times as Stevonnie. "I'm sorry. I just hadn't thought about that before..." Part of him wanted to talk about all of it, to release all of those worries and concerns that _this was all his fault_ , but this had been bothering Connie all day so he needed to know what was bothering her more. And he didn't want to worry her about himself even more. He swallowed against the lump in his throat and refocused himself. "What brought this up, though? Is there more you're worried about?" 

"I- Steven, hang on a minute, tell me how you are first. I shouldn't have sprung that on you. I'm sorry." No, no, he didn't want her to worry about him so much when she was still upset. Or ever, really. 

"No, don't worry about it. I'm fine, really. I'm- I'm glad you brought it up. I just want to know why you brought it up?" he prompted again, trying his best to put on the face he'd learned to use for the gems after rough missions. If he showed them he wasn't fine, he worried they wouldn't let him go on the next one. 

Connie watched him for longer than anyone else would've, but she eventually answered the question. "Because I've thought about it... y'know? I thought about... about what I'd want if... if something were to happen to me on a mission." 

He froze and felt his blood run just as cold, but he couldn't stop her before she continued anyways. 

"I just... I know I can protect myself, and you and the gems can protect me as well... And maybe I'll change my mind some day when I'm older, but Steven... Steven, I don't want to die. I'm not scared of it, but I really don't want to leave you or my parents or the gems and really just do _not_ want to die, but... If I do, don't want to be thirteen forever. I don't want to watch everyone else grow old and- And I just had to tell you because you're the only one who could do that, and I wanted you to know what I would want." 

His brain couldn't form cohesive thoughts. All he could do was feel, and all that he was feeling was pain. He couldn't- he could _not_ think about _Connie **dying**_. He couldn't, he just- that wasn't something that could happen in his mind. But even as he couldn't think, he felt himself replying with a surprised tone. It felt like the words weren't his even if he he could vaguely feel his mouth moving. "O-oh... okay... I guess... I mean, I wouldn't- wouldn't want to do something you wouldn't like...?"

And then she was hugging him and saying something about being glad he understood, and Steven still couldn't process what was happening. But when she let go of him again, he managed to recognize the relief on her face, and that was that. He refused to think about it anymore, at least for now. It wouldn't happen. It couldn't happen. And if it ever did... well, he wouldn't think about that either.

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally an idea I had while working on chapter 4 of my other fic, and I couldn't resist writing it real quick. That being said, it hurts. XD I do think Connie would be the one to think of this, though, as the only full human who constantly goes on gem missions. Obviously Lars has thought about it some for himself, but I'm sure Steven would've tried his hardest to not think about it. We do know he never truly took Garnet's advice to heart, after all.


End file.
